SATURDAY SPLASH: Freely-Streamable Movies That’ll Kiss You On The Cheek

July 27, 2024
3 mins read
A still from the music video found on the VHS tape of Elvira, Mistress of the Dark. It shows a Black man wearing sunglasses and playing guitar while riding a surfboard on green-screened waves. Captions say: “Surfing the web, finding films”

Of COURSE I’ve come back overstimulated from Trans Pride thank you very much… more on that on Monday lovelies x

As someone who understands your pain, you’ll probably be a bit hungover and lurgied tomorrow, so here’s a list of free movies available on the Internet for those too chicken and/or lazy to do an Our Flag Means Death on us. Which brings us to:

Drive (Plex)
The movie that made people wonder if men could truly be Kenough.

Only God Forgives (Plex)
The movie that wasn’t mysterious enough to make people wonder further if men could be Kenough.

Elvira, Mistress of the Dark(Tubi, Pluto)
The 1988 film of the show. I need to watch it so that I need to live. The experience won’t be full thought – the VHS has the most 1988 music video of all time.

Assault on Wall Street (Plex)
Uwe Boll’s gritty (for Uwe Boll standards) Rosie and Jim reboot. No, really.

But I’m A Cheerleader (Tubi, Pluto)
Just kidding, you’ve already watched this 25 times since the decade started. So bratty that Kamala could steal it for her campaign trail.

The Love Witch (Tubi, Plex)
Meanwhile, this movie has haunted you on Tumblr and Pinterest for the past eight years and, despite the Diet Coke addiction and the three Lana vinyls in your collection, you still haven’t bothered to watch it.

Buffalo ‘66 (Plex)
And then this haunts you just because Christina Ricci looks good pensive and wearing blue eyeshadow. Shame Vinz Gallo is now doing things to Ben Shapiro that Chloe Sevigny once did to him.

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Empire Records (Plex)
You have watched this before; besides Robin Tunney’s shaved head it wasn’t aesthetic enough to be A Classic, but you’ve ended up treating it as a Bridget Jones prequel to which Rex Manning was Liv Tyler’s sleazier Darcy expy.

Amsterdam (Tubi)
It flopped that hard? It’s what David O Russell deserves tbh.

Poster for Hard Ticket to Hawaii, just one of the many movies in

The entire Andy Sidaris 3-B or is it 3-G billionilogy (Plex)
Andy Sidaris’ associates are and were the only tourists that needed to be let into Hawai’i since it became a state of America. (Alright, alright, Barney and his kids also needed to.)

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Double Dragon (Tubi)
Alyssa Milano dressed as Halsey c. 2018 feeds a monster that looks like a tumourous ballsack while Crystal Waters’ ‘100% Pure Love’ plays. Only downside of that scenario is that Alyssa Milano’s involved.

That Night (Plex)
An hour and a half of Juliette Lewis parking a vintage convertible car in a garage while Time Life’s Best Of 1958 Collection plays in the background.

Nefarious (Tubi)
A film that looks good on the surface when in fact it’s the horror movie equivalent of Sound of Freedom (a movie extremely scary to begin with). Beggars belief that God Awful Movies have only just reviewed it.

Standby (Plex)
Whatever happened to Jessica Paré? Aside from this, she dropped one ‘Zou Bisou Bisou’ then dipped.

Poster for the first Slumber Party Massacre movie

Slumber Party Massacres 1 and 2 (Tubi; Plex)
Or, my 2025 and 2026, respectively.

Sniper: Special Ops (Tubi)
Possibly the most infamous late-stage Seagal flick. Has reported Amy Winehouse fave Rob Van Dam in and he does the thing at the end (Sting not included).

Swing (Tubi)
It’s the Lisa Stansfield vehicle that’s not Northern Soul!

The joke is the first swing came out in 1999 when this swing came out in 2003

Swing (Tubi)
It’s NOT the Lisa Stansfield vehicle that’s not Northern Soul!

Love, Plastic and Noise (Plex)
Soon to be removed (I guess on August 1). At least you can get those three things by subscribing to this newsletter.

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The Getaway (Plex)
Imagine being little Holland Baldwin and eventually finding out grand-mama and grand-papa made one of the sauciest, yet schlockiest, films of the 90s. I am so scared for her but I know she’ll grow up happy at any rate.

The Player (Pluto)
Starring literally everyone ever, beloved by people from Ayo Edibiri to Gl*nner, and fuel for me to talk about my place mental illness here theory about the 90s movie that could have changed the world if it was made. Ask me about it x

Night Of The Living Dead (literally everywhere because it’s public domain)
An absolute phenomenon.

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This release has a red-tinted poster rather than a black and white poster with green text

Night Of The Living Dead: 40th Anniversary Edition (Tubi)
An absolute phenomenon: 40th Anniversary Edition.

Then Came You (Pluto)
A vanity project by the American Fern Britton. Very iStockPhoto chic in execution. One of the biggest disasterpieces you will ever watch. Must be seen to be believed.

LYLANI

LYLANI (she/they) is a queer, neurodivergent, mixed-raced multidisciplinary artist and writer from East London.

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